Monday, June 27, 2011

Michelle Bachman gets 21% of Iowa Republican Caucus support in new poll

In other news, majority of Iowa voters need to remember to take their anti-psychotic medication.

By Donny Brooks

DES MOINES - Michelle Bachmann (R - Crazytown, MN) officially launched her Presidential campaign today. This comes on the heels of excellent news for the insurgent campaign of a poll taken by the Des Moines Register which shows her in second place with 21%, behind Mitt Romney's 22%. Former Godfathers' Pizza CEO Herman Cain came in third with 10%.

"I can't explain this at all," said Alan Cohen, chair of the political science department at the University of Iowa. "We Jayhawks used to be known for being able to see through the bullshit, but those days are obviously gone. Talk to the pharmacology department-- they have some interesting theories."

"As far as we can tell, as much as 40% of the Republican caucus-going population have some form of undiagnosed or untreated mental illness," said Dr. Herman White, associate professor of psychological pharmacology. "It's the only explanation for the polls, and it correlates closely to Glenn Beck viewership. Or did, rather." Dr. White said that field tests and interviews done at Bachmann, Cain, and Ron Paul rallies back up their hypothesis.

Des Moines Register poll analyst Bob Beckmoth concurred. "We asked poll respondents "Have you or any of your family been diagnosed schizophrenic? Mentally incompetent?" and there was a high correlation between support for Cain, Bachmann, Paul, and Perry and positive answers for that question." In fact, 90% of Ron Paul backers told the survey their uncle thought he was St. Jerome. "I'd take that as a yes," explained Beckmoth.

However, this cannot overshadow Bachmann's near-meteoric rise to second place. Many have credited Bachmann's new prowess and fundraising ability to wunderkid political consultant Will Turner. "This is serious Bachman Turner Overdrive, " said a drunken bar patron in Ames who declined to be named. "She's just takin' care of business- you know? Workin overtime!!! WHOOO!!!!"

Others have credited her campaign with smart tactics, like giving out free tinfoil hats at rallies, and repeating over and over the same things reinforced on Fox News. One Waterloo resident put it this way: "It's like she tapped into the zeitgeist and what people really care about - no bailouts, no more spending, Obama is a socialist born in Africa, and how we need to prevent UFO attacks from mutilating our cattle!"

Many observers tout today as a major milestone in civil rights. ACLU Iowa spokeswoman Deb Reynolds was optimistic. "Not only is no one mentioning that we have a serious candidate who happens to be a woman, they're forgetting she's also bat-shit crazy. She's broken through the glass ceiling for both women and the criminally insane."

Dr. White was also hopeful. "Because of last year's Citizens United decision, we can actually get corporate sponsorship for the caucuses. So, Merck, Pfizer, and a few other members of Big Pharma are donating free pills to caucus-goers. Go go into vote, you get your sticker, and a cup full of anti-psychotics. This should hopefully get people interested enough to want to take the pills regularly."

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