Sunday, October 2, 2011

Sam Houston's Ghost joins Darth Politico Staff!!

Newest correspondent: former Senator and Governor of Texas-- and a ghost!


By Darth Pundit, Editor

We'd like to welcome our newest correspondent, The Ghost of Sam Houston, to the Darth Politico family. He comes to us from his most recent work of haunting the upstairs of the Texas Governor's mansion and generally being forgotten by most Texas politicians today. Like many publications, we've decided to add a correspondent to help us follow Rick Perry on his quest for the GOP nomination and the White House, and there was literally no one more qualified for this job. We sat down with him to introduce him to our readers.

DP: Thanks for joining us, Governor Houston.

GSH: Oh please, call me Sam.  Or Ghost Sam. Oh, yes, I like that.

DP: Why come out of retirement now? You've been undead almost 150 years.

GSH: Well, I did have my career of haunting the upstairs of the Texas Governor's mansion, but Rick Perry hasn't been living there in years, instead living it up with his fancy Food and Wine subscriptions, premium cable, and $10,000 a month rent-- all picked up by the taxpayers. I just couldn't stand it anymore!!  Sam Houston needs pay cable, too. I'm so many seasons behind on Big Love, and I hear there's some new vampire show now? And I can't watch the Longhorns without their premium network.

DP: We agree. Cable is important. But you could've gotten a job haunting a downtown hotel if you just wanted HBO and Showtime.

GSH: Yes, but no hotel has both. Besides, the rank hypocrisy in this state was starting to get to me.

DP: How so?

GSH: Rick Perry. Two years ago he's talking about secession. Now he's running to be President of the country he wanted to secede from. I've heard that kind of talk before, and from people who take craps bigger than Rick Perry. I mean, here's a guy who's been on the public payroll since Ronald Reagan was President, and somehow managed to become a millionaire out of it, who has the audacity to tell us that it's government and politicians who are the problem with our country. Either public service is worth a damn or it isn't. I happen to believe it is. But I didn't enter public service because I wanted to be rich or for the glory. Rick Perry seems to want both.

DP: You appeared in our offices when the wildfires started raging. You claimed that was the last straw. How did that affect you?

GSH: Well, of course, any natural disaster has the possibility of supernatural side effects. You had the Godzilla attacks after the Japanese earthquake, tsunami, and Fukushima meltdown. With the wildfires, the fact that there was so much smoke in the air supercharged my ectoplasmic matrix-- it has to do with the fact that both spiritual matter and smoke are colloids-- and that gave me enough power to interact more directly with the physical world. Also, the hypocrisy went off the chart, too.

DP: Rick Perry again?

GSH: Yes, and no. Perry was ridiculous-- Obama was right to call him out for denying climate change while our state burns. I've been around for over 150 years-- and our climate has changed. But Rick Perry's too busy taking money from the oil, gas, and coal folks that want to deny climate change that he's stuck in this ridiculous position. But even more inexcusable and full of political opportunism was Lt. Governor David Dewhurst-- the only guy I know worth billions of dollars who tries to play "Man of the People."

Ok, well, Mark Cuban.  But one of only two.

Regardless, during the fires he tries to rail on President Obama for not declaring the Bastrop area a disaster area quickly enough. Then it turns out his office hasn't submitted the paperwork asking for that official declaration. So, it's not the bureaucratic wheels in Washington aren't spinning- it's the ones in Austin.

And then there's a Tea Party. Never have I seen a group of people who are more antithetical to the ideas of the state I tried to found who so quickly wrap themselves in the symbols of the Texas Republic.  Ok, well, maybe the KKK. But you get my point. Here you have a group of people who want government out of their lives-- but as soon as a fire comes you better get that FEMA in here as fast as possible! And who say we're all on our own and have to take care of ourselves and want to cut the size of government, so much so that the Texas Forestry Department, in charge of wildfire response, is gutted during this last legislative session. And then they complain about the speed of a government response.

And ironically, they blame Obama and the federal government. The blame has more to do with the state government. The Tea Party ethic that yelled out at the GOP debate that we ought to let a man die because he didn't have health insurance should have the feds say to Texans, "You made your decision to underfund fire protection. Now burn for it."

That's not my ethic. That's not the state I founded. We're all in this together, and we should have, in this past legislative session, done things like ended corporate welfare for the gas companies and their fracking rigs, or stopped giving new tax breaks to people who want to buy yachts. We pay for teachers, schools, hospitals, roads, and fire departments- not corporate welfare for big campaign donors. We don't complain and whine about regulation-- we make sure that people are protected from powerful forces whose pollution or products can harm them. Article 12 of the Texas Constitution specifically mentions that the state must enact laws to protect them from corporations- so I just don't understand where all of this comes from.

DP: Let's talk about iconography. The Tea Party has used some of the symbols of Texas like the Goliad "Come and Take It" cannon. Your feelings?

GSH: You'll notice I've repossed that cannon. It belongs to me. If the Tea Party wants to use it, they seem to like corporate control so much, they can deal with my lawyers. From now on, unauthorized use of my intellectual property will be shut down. Or they can pay me the licensing fee. As I said, they seem to be fighting for corporate control of everything. Let them taste what that feels like.

DP: And your arm?

GSH: Well, as a ghost I can do lots of ghoulish things. One thing I've done is turn my left arm into the bleeding Dimmit's Arm with the bloody sword. The "Come And Take It" ethic is both inherently defensive but also pugnacious. But the bloody arm is a symbol of our victory at the Battle of San Jacinto, when we took Santa Ana by surprise by exploiting their weaknesses. So it's time for Texans to take their history and their state back. It's time for bloggers to take their country back.

DP: What do you plan on covering here at Darth Politico?

GSH: Texas politics, mostly. But I also want to look at Texas environmental, ethics, and money in politics stories. But I've got Donny, CitizenBot, and Ben already getting me excited to play Star Wars: The Old Republic. So I'm leaving the gates open.

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